You haven’t written in so long…I feared you may have lost yourself. Have the illusions finally gotten to you?
I thought I was on a path of self-attainment but I have only succeeded in pushing things aside that mattered…to me, to my previous conceptions at least, before they were coloured with promises of a fresh start, a new life, a chance of redemption and renewal. Not before I had nearly lost sight of my original ideals did I realise I had fallen for the charms of this world.
But you came back. You always do.
To you, whom I cannot see anymore. To myself, whom I cannot recognise anymore. I have changed…in so many ways I cannot even begin to comprehend. To the idealism that seems even more naïve and defeated than ever before. To the innocence barely salvaged, struggling to breathe. To my soul, once sparkling with heartfelt emotions, now burdened under a growing dispassion. To that very ocean, once alive and turbulent, now morosely becalmed.
Nothing is beyond salvage…
…except may be these insights, these realisations that hit you to the core, leaving behind marks difficult to efface, to forget. A knowledge that cannot be unlearned, a change that can never come undone. And what if I were to tell you that it is what I stand for now and I know no other way of being anything else?
You prided yourself on your resilience, nothing ever touching the base you had swore to retain forever.
But the lines have begun to blur. The distinctions have merged and what was once a convenient façade has now become an infallible truth, overwhelming the inconsonant traits into submission. I am unwilling to try and unravel the carefully placed layers, to seek what may have been lost already.
Are you giving up?
I wonder what is there to give up. A long-drawn fight that has begun to lose its edge? A quest for reprisal that seems inconsequential? I give up – not on this life, not on the dreams that have driven me so far, but on trying to reconcile the minor triumphs and the wearisome travesties, to fuel the flame of accomplishments against the ruthless, cut-throat adversaries facing me in their full glory…or so as I believe. And I resign – to my own pace, to my own voice.
But you will persevere to rise further, seek perfection in its entirety, and raise yourself beyond questions and doubts.
And yet, would it ever be enough?