Monday, October 1, 2012

Disenchantment


The chaotic pace that my existence has taken, and I’m yet to realize the gravity of the events that have taken place so far.

Have I changed? I don’t know. I know nothing anymore. Adrift in the turbulent ocean of life…I seek to anchor myself but in vain.

I wonder if you would be that anchor, that steadying presence.

I stumble through the days, marking off one date after another…waiting, always waiting for that elusive day where I would finally seek my contentment, my bliss.

Is it you that I seek? I wish I knew.

All illusions have been shattered, my carefully crafted reflection has been ripped apart – I choose to disregard the scheming voice of my mind, coaxing me to retain the shreds of my identity.

An identity I can’t believe in anymore. An esteem founded on the very base of faithlessness.

You can see through me and I couldn’t care any less. I’m no less dead to you, aren’t I?

And yet…I can’t, I won’t bring myself to take the first, tentative step. Nothing holds me back – my pride, my anxieties, the uncertainty of my entire being have been carelessly tossed aside. But I won’t call out to you.

It has always been my wont to wait. Anticipation is all I have ever known.

And so a part of me retreats to that timeless world, where my dreams lie suspended, awaiting resurrection. I see the glimpses of my former glory and despair envelops my entirety.

Can you see who I am?

And so I await, for this limbo to be broken, for this faltering life to breathe again.

Are you the one that I seek?

Or is this new-founded trust no less illusory than the hope of unconditional, selfless…impossible love?

...

And one thinks law school would kill any semblance of sentimentality. Yet this is the form my stifled creativity takes. 

I make no promises of appearing here again, not for a month at least.