Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Disavowal

It’s dark. It’s still. The air around me has a breathless quality to it, only intermittently broken by the sounds that stir the heart.

Soft, gentle melodies. Memories of whispered nothings. My own choking sobs.

You see, I have retreated to my shell.

Alone, surrounded with worn recollections of a brief life. The past has never been deader. Basking in the flimsy warmth of its flickering light, I stand now with its smoke curling around my being, the ash dusting my feet.

I chose to burn the past myself. And I stand; singed and charred, unable to escape the ramifications of the dependency I had so willingly embraced.

Who am I then, you may ask? Here, I do not take any form, portray no role I would otherwise be carrying in your realm. I’m simply a living, breathing individual, acutely aware of my mortality, my limitations – aware of the bitter truth that even if I sever all ties, others continue to bind me.

Is it pain that you see etched into my being?

I laugh. It is both mocking and rejoicing, intertwining bliss and melancholy. And I laugh – at you, at myself, at the entire cosmos. 

And I cry – for what I had been, for what I would become...for what I am now.

I have withdrawn and yet I’m still here. I both loathe and crave your presence. Isn’t life a beautiful paradox? To live while dying, to love with fear, to trust and yet be unsure?

So bring me back. Cajole me to return. For I long to do so, despite knowing that all I want is to be left alone.

But that is what life is. Who am I to say otherwise? 

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Ramblings of Boring Romanticism will be continued next time - you think I'll give up so easily on that, eh?

10 comments:

  1. I laugh. It is both mocking and rejoicing, intertwining bliss and melancholy. And I laugh – at you, at myself, at the entire cosmos.

    I love that line. It speaks to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad it does. Thank you for reading.

      Delete
  2. I'm the hero of the story and I don't want to be saved,
    I'm the hero of the story and I don't want to be saved!
    Right, it's all right, it's all right, all right


    ~Regina Skeptor

    =)
    No matter how hard I cried, the louder my wails of not being saved grew, the more desperate I grew to be saved!


    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And you caught on to the essence of my writing, as always.

      Thank you for reading.

      Delete
  3. Rose,

    First of all BELATED MANY MANY HAPPY RETURNS OF THE DAY. How was the Day? Now coming to this post, well, feelings of one who's partner shows indifference brought out well. Looking forward to next post on this.

    Take care

    PS : Wish I could send you an e-card!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your good wishes. The day went well. And you don't have to do that, really - the thought is what counts. And thank you for reading as well.

      Delete
  4. you just have a way of taking a remarkable thought and presenting it in the most beautiful way possible. an art of words.

    ReplyDelete
  5. you just have a way of taking a remarkable thought and presenting it in the most beautiful way possible. an art of words.

    ReplyDelete

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